Coercive Control and Other Words You Need to Know

by Cathy O'Brien

If you’ve been with me for a while, you know the mission here is simple: to share information about our health and wellness—for women, who have long been underserved, overlooked, and underestimated in both medical and mental health spaces.

We’ve had incredible experts join us—doctors, researchers, advocates—each one offering wisdom we can use to get stronger, smarter, and more in control of our own well-being.

But this week, it’s just me. I will do this from time to time. I felt called to have a different kind of conversation—one that sits squarely in the intersection of what I’ve studied and what I’ve worked on for years. Especially considering what we’ve all witnessed in the news recently with the highly visible trials – Sean Diddy Combs and Cassie Ventura, Johnny Depp and Amber Herd, and what is happening with Blake Lively. It’s the recurring minimization of women when they come forward. We’re talking about abuse in relationships —specifically, a term we all need to know: coercive control.

This is personal for us all. It’s professional. And it’s urgent.

Let’s ground this conversation in reality:

• 1 in 4 women will experience an abusive relationship in her lifetime.

• 1 in 3 women will experience sexual assault.

These are from reports to police and social services. Imagine what the true numbers are.

Most women never report what’s happened to them. The shame. The confusion. The fear. The total lack of language to describe what’s actually going on. The fear of being blamed or not believed. All of these, and more, keep women silent.

If you’re thinking, “Well, I’ve never been physically hit”...good. But, let’s expand the definition. Abuse is not just physical. It can be:

• Emotional

• Sexual

• Psychological

• Economic

And it’s often coercive—subtle, insidious, undermining, cumulative.

When I was going through a divorce in my 40s, my doctor told me to talk to her colleague who ran One Love, an organization focused on healthy and unhealthy relationships. That conversation opened a door. I started studying the mechanics of abuse, and, through my social work degree and years working with organizations– like the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Sanctuary for Families, and Mt. Sinai’s Sexual Assault & Violence Intervention program– I learned the words, coercive control… among other words I never knew.

Here’s what I’ve learned:
Abuse doesn’t usually start with a slap. It starts with a comment. A suggestion. A raised eyebrow. A little shame. A little doubt…And then, it grows.

It’s a term that sounds clinical. But once you understand it, you’ll never forget it.

Coercive control is a pattern of behavior used to dominate, isolate, and control another person through manipulation, threats, and emotional abuse. It’s designed to chip away at the individual’s sense of reality, confidence, and autonomy.

It looks like this:

• You're slowly pulled away and isolated from friends and family.

• Your partner “checks in” on your texts, your schedule, your location—often under the guise of “just caring.”

• They criticize you in front of others, then say, “God, you’re so sensitive. It was a joke.”

• They weigh in on your clothes, your plans, your friendships, your work—always under the mask of concern and ‘love.'

• They say you’re the reason they get upset.

• They make you feel like you’re losing your mind. That’s ¹.

Eventually, you feel like nothing is your own. Your thoughts. Your time. Your decisions. All of it is filtered through your partner. This is not love. It’s control.

These are common red flags of coercive control and emotional abuse:

• Monitoring your time, texts, or spending

• Repeatedly blaming you for their behavior

• Undermining your confidence or abilities

• Threatening to harm themselves if you leave

• Blocking access to therapy, friends, or outside support

• Using affection as a reward—or punishment

• Using money to control you

And then there’s emotional abuse, which often walks hand-in-hand with coercive control, and can look like:

• Unpredictable outbursts

• Silent treatment

• Rewriting history to make you question your memory

• Telling you no one else will love you

• Insisting you are the problem

The psychological impact from coercive control is deep: anxiety, depression, PTSD, isolation, even physical health issues. Over time, many women in these situations experience job loss, financial dependence, and higher rates of substance use—usually as a way to cope.

If you have children, the stakes are even higher. Kids who witness this kind of dynamic often suffer emotionally, and the damage can mirror that of physical abuse.

And one more truth: leaving can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. That’s not to scare you. That’s to help you prepare and plan.

There is zero judgement here. I’m here to share language that already exists. Tools. Facts. So you can see clearly what might be happening in your own life—or in the life of someone you love.

When I worked on the Domestic Violence Hotline, we used something called the Power and Control Wheel²—a simple, powerful tool that outlines the behaviors that define abuse. No drama. No overexplaining. Just a clear, calm way to recognize patterns. This tool is what is used by police to train on relationship abuse.

We also did safety planning³—because sometimes the goal isn’t leaving. It’s staying safe. It’s getting stronger. It’s building a team around you so that when you are ready—if you ever are—you’re not alone.

Back in social work school, I created two visual tools for exactly this purpose:

• The Awareness Ladder⁴—to help you assess where you are

• The Relationship Thermometer⁵—to help measure what’s really happening (you can download them at www.insidethewellspace.com)

1. You are not crazy. You are not alone.
   If something feels off, it probably is. One in four women are living this, in some form.

2. There is help.
   Therapists. Support groups. Friends who will listen without judgment. Google “coercive control” and start reading. The Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource to start a conversation.

3. You do not have to leave right now—or ever.
   What you do need is a plan. A way to get stronger. A support network. A path forward that prioritizes your safety and well-being.

This topic is big, and we’ll keep talking about it. For now, just know this: you have a right to your thoughts, your space, your peace. If someone is working every day to take that away from you, name it. Say it out loud. Speak it into the light.

That’s where strength begins.

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You can watch or listen to the episode TODAY on Youtube, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify or at Inside the Wellspace.

Here’s to reclaiming power,

Cathy

1. A form of psychological manipulation where someone causes another person to doubt their own perceptions, memories, or sanity, often to gain control or avoid accountability.

2. A diagram developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (Duluth Model) that illustrates the range of abusive tactics—such as emotional abuse, isolation, and coercion—used to establish dominance in an intimate relationship.

3. A personalized, practical strategy to help someone reduce risk and stay safe when experiencing or preparing to leave abuse. It can include emergency contacts, safe escape routes, code words, and steps for protecting children, pets, and important documents.

4. A conceptual model that outlines the stages a person may go through in recognizing and responding to abuse, from denial or minimization to full awareness and readiness to take action.

5. A visual tool that helps individuals evaluate the dynamics of their relationship by categorizing behaviors along a temperature scale—from healthy (cool/green zone) to unhealthy or abusive (hot/red zone). It’s often used in education to build awareness of warning signs before abuse escalates.